It's deja vu all over again.
Something happens to me every time I get to the bottom of a weight decade. 
Actually, it doesn't "just happen." I do this to myself.
I work hard to get through the 10 pounds to get me to the next decade. 
Then, when I get there I start to experience a panic.
This is the first time I'm truly recognizing this pattern.
In 5 days I've gained almost 5 pounds. And it started when I hit 290.5. Coincidence? Unlikely.
Admittedly, this week has been tough. Usually, I have a high tolerance for pain. However, my left arm has been really wearing me down. I haven't been sleeping well. I'm on new medication, which the doc told me could lead to some water weight gain. These are factors that are likely contributing to my gain.
But, truth time. I've found myself grazing like I haven't in a while. Mostly carbs. And that tells me I'm eating for comfort. That and the fact I can't seem to quiet the hungry feeling. That's a sure sign it's an emotional hunger, not a physical one.
Some habits are hard to break, even after 4 years.
Now that I've recognized the pattern, I'm trying to unpack the WHYs of it. I think there's a few reasons:

• Each new decade means I'm one step closer to my goal. Awesome? Yes! But that also means my calories will continue to go down. That triggers fear and doubt. Can I keep making the adjustments necessary as my body changes? Can I continue to step out of my comfort zone with my food, my exercise--myself?
• The 280s decade is my low weight point during this journey. There's a lot of significance there--even if it's only in my mind. 
• Beyond the 280s, I feel like things will be "different". How? I'm not sure. Again, it's been a long time since I've past that decade and fear of the unknown can be a powerful thing.

But, in talking with one of my best friends, she reminded me that the changes that are happening are slow. It's just my brain that is running ahead on the path. Again, what else is new?
The broken soundtrack that I keep hearing is: The changes I need to make will be too much, too soon. I can't handle it.
The new soundtrack I need to create is: Make the small changes when the time comes and you won't even notice them.
If you haven't heard of the soundtracks concept, then check out author Jon Acuff's newest book, "Soundtracks." It comes out tomorrow and focuses on these repetitive thoughts (soundtracks) that play over and over in our heads. And, he gives some great ways to change the tune.
I'll be giving away a copy to one lucky winner from our April Challenge group. Haven't signed up yet? It's not too late! 
So, what's next? For three days, I've tried to eat at maintenance calories and have not been successful. My normal habit is to eat at deficit, so that's what I'm gong to focus on the next few days. Not eat below my deficit number--try to hit as close to it as I can without going over. It's gong to take me at least a couple of weeks, I'm sure to get back down to that 290 number. I'll have some practice at changing my mindset over how I feel about what comes once I cross into the 289 realm and beyond. 
And, of course, focus on my other habits: water, sleep, tracking, exercise. They're all connected!
Lastly, I don't plan to run away from the feelings of doubt. Maybe for the first time, I'm starting to get how the doubt may be a signal that better things are on the horizon, if I lean into it and not retreat. 

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Near the end of the craziest year in recent memory for everyone, I decided to jump of a cliff and do something I never dared to try before: a deliberate pause in my weight loss.

I was soooo close to being back under 300 lbs. after gaining the COVID 15-20 (shout out to all of you who can relate!). It took months to get back there, but I knew life was about to get interesting again.

The holidays were quickly approaching. My two college-aged daughters were about to return home for an extended break due to COVID. I've been in this rodeo enough to know that this would be a challenge. Each year, I went in with the hope that I'd lose weight over the holidays. And, each year, that didn't happen.

After listening to Heather from the Half Size Me podcast for a long time and being part of one of her Facebook communities, I wondered if her constant talking about taking a maintenance break applied to someone like me, who was so far from my health goals.

It took some convincing, but I went for it.

Fast forward a few months and I got an email from Heather's assistant with an invitation to be a guest on the podcast to talk about my decision process and how the whole maintenance experiment went. I was shocked, to say the least.

But, here we are! The podcast is now out and I wanted to share it with all of you! Although I cringe at the sound of my voice, I feel the honest discussion is more important than my insecurity over my not-ready-for-primetime pipes.

In this podcast, we talk about:

• What is a maintenance break?
• What are some of the biggest fears around taking a maintenance break?
• Why a maintenance break isn't just for people who are close to their final goal. 
• Would I do it again? Spoiler alert: I have one coming up! Stay tuned! 

Also, if you've never checked out Half Size Me, I highly recommend it. I don't get a kick back, but I am a community member and the people there have been an incredible resource for me when it comes to support! 

Listen to the podcast below! I hope you enjoy!

When I lose all the weight, I’ll be confident.

When I get that raise, I’ll be happy.

When I cross that half marathon finish line, I’ll feel like a real runner.

Choose your “when I” and your how you’ll feel after you get there. We all have them.

The problem with these beliefs, though, is how they skip those six inches of real estate between our ears. Everything happens in that tiny space! It’s kind of amazing when you stop and think about it. We get so wrapped up in “the finish line,” we don’t see how the road to get us there is where the magic happens. 

The biggest question I’ve heard since I started to change my life in July 2017 is: “How did you do it?”

But, is that what they really want to know? I’m not so sure.

Many times, the questions revolve about what “diet” I’m using or what “training plan” I follow. Do I count macros or carbs? Do I do intermittent fasting? Keto? Paleo? 

If I had a specific prescription that was a no-fail guarantee, I wouldn’t still be 100 pounds or so from my goal.

But, that’s what we all want: quick answers to our problems. When you have a lot of weight to lose, or a lot of debt to pay off, or a 13.1-mile race course laid out in front of you, there are no easy ways to get it done. You cannot get around your head, because that’s where most of the issues are coming from. 

I’m not saying we’re all crazy, although I sometimes wonder about that. But, most of us have an uncanny ability to get in our own way, even when it looks like we’re succeeding. It has taken me three years to scratch the surface that my number goals are not the be-all, end-all. 

For years, I put limitations on myself because my excess weight and my health took away my self-esteem and my energy. I convinced myself that “fat people cannot or should not do certain things.”

But here’s a revelation I discovered in a rare moment of clarity during this journey:

Goals are not size-dependent.

When I stopped judging my goals as not suitable for my size, that’s when things starting looking up. They don’t care if I’m a size 26 or size 16.  Goals don’t care about anything, because they don’t have thoughts or feelings. 

Some goals may be harder than others because of my size. But, to constantly measure my ability to try something or dream about a goal based on what the scale says or the size of my pants is ridiculous. 

A nearly 300-pound woman CAN finish a half marathon. I've proven it.

What else can I do? Who knows? But, my weight isn't holding me back. Just my brain.

​How is your brain holding you back? 

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slThis Instant Pot recipe looked so simple in the magazine. And, anything that resembles something like a beef stew, especially this time of year, has me willing to give the dish a shot.
So far, the recipes I've tried for this challenge from the Centennial Magazine Instant Pot 2020 Edition have not failed me, so I was feeling super-confident.

Perhaps that over-confidence was the downfall here.

This recipe threw a few challenges at me. So, I'm going to start with.

WHAT I DIDN'T LIKE ABOUT THIS RECIPE

Get comfy, gang. This will take a while. 

First, was finding the sirloin tips required for the recipe. I could not track down anything called sirloin tips at Kroger. I admit I used Clicklist (which I like about 85% of the time I use it), but I couldn't find it on the website and I did not go in to the butcher to ask. I got some sort of sirloin cut and it tenderized fine, so no real issue there.

The biggest snafu I hit in the recipe was what happened after I followed step 1 and coated the raw beef tips in flour before putting it into the 2 tablespoons of heated oil in my Instant Pot. I get the concept. The flour helps to brown the meat as well as thicken the gravy. That's a great idea when it works, but right away I noticed things were getting--shall we say--pasty very quickly. Bits and pieces got stuck and started to burn. And, if you've ever used an IP, you know burning on the bottom of the pot is BAD NEWS BEARS.

Things happened so quickly, I could not take pictures. I scraped the bottom of the pan over and over again and salvaged what I could. 

After averting that crisis, I added the rest of the ingredients: sautéed it with onion and garlic, then added beef broth and a can of Campbell's Golden Mushroom soup. The recipe also called for a dry red wine. I didn't have any so I added a little extra beef broth to make up the difference.

I closed the lid and set it to manual to pressure cook for 25 minutes, as directed, and prayed.

My prayers were heard, but not answered the way I wanted. 

The pot never sealed and therefore I essentially boiled my dinner instead of pressure cooking it. I'm betting it's because so much of the roux (flour, oil mixture) stuck the bottom, the pot couldn't get hot enough. 

In the end, because I browned the meat, it tasted fine. But, the rich flavor we were expecting didn't come through.

I swapped out the recommended rice for some refrigerated mashed potatoes because I was so flustered at the recipe. I was not interested in "cooking" anything else that night. I also paired it with some of the leftover Naan bread from my Buttered Chicken and Naan Bread meal! 

It didn't look like the most appetizing dish in the world, but...let me get to the good news.

WHAT I LIKED ABOUT THIS RECIPE

Despite all the hassle, the meal tasted pretty good and what little of the roux I saved managed to thicken the gravy enough for it not to be a soup.  

WILL I ADD THIS TO OUR MENU ROTATION?

I'm never going to say never, but I make a similar dish to this on the stovetop that uses mushrooms and noodles. I learned it from my mom and it's better. So, it's unlikely this recipe will become a regular for us. Not every one can be a winner. And, that's ok! 

What's next on the 7 Days/7 Recipes Menu? Spicy Chicken Tortilla Soup! 

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