A runner who fears speed?

Tomorrow is my first day as a member of the No Boundaries Beginner Running Club. At 7:30 a.m., I will meet a bunch of new people who all want to run better and have fitness goals.

Am I excited? Hell, yes. But, whoa boy, the jitters have been quickly building. I may have more than a dozen races under my belt, but that doesn't stop me from having so many insecurities. 

As I talked with my long-distance training coach (literally, in that he lives on the other side of the country from me), I dropped some confessions on him today about my growing anxiety:

I'm probably going to be the biggest person who shows up.

I will also probably be one of the slowest.

I never run with people.

Here was the one that shocked me the most:

Running fast scares me. I know I can't sustain it; it makes me feel like I'm in not control; it reminds me of my limitations which piss me off so much. I'm sure that's why I avoid it.

You see, the body in my brain and reality don't always line up. I feel so much better than I did more than 90 pounds ago. My cardio endurance has improved tremendously and I honesty believe I'm in the better shape than I was 20 years ago (even though I still weigh more than I did back then.)

But, I still weigh about 290 pounds. Moving that type of weight quickly isn't easy and it sure as hell ain't quick. So, when I try to run fast, I feel like I'm being yanked by my neck; a bitter reminder that I'm not as good as I feel I am. 

As a result, I've focused on slower and longer runs. I was afraid that just doing 13.1 miles would be impossible. Now that I feel I can probably do that and not drop of a heart attack, the fear of time limitations is smacking me upside the head and in my gut. 

I have 3 hours and 30 minutes to complete the Disney Princess Half Marathon in February. Right now, based on my times, I'm going to be swept. I don't want that to happen. It's not the end of the world, but it bothers me and I'd be lying if I said it didn't.

When I started training for my first 5K, I felt much the same way. Vulnerable. Unsure. Anxious. Just getting started was a huge step outside of my comfort zone. 

Joining this running group and allowing others to see that vulnerability probably scares me most of all. 

And my logical brain tells me that's probably a big reason why I need to do it. 

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