Haven't I seen you someplace before?

It's deja vu all over again.
Something happens to me every time I get to the bottom of a weight decade. 
Actually, it doesn't "just happen." I do this to myself.
I work hard to get through the 10 pounds to get me to the next decade. 
Then, when I get there I start to experience a panic.
This is the first time I'm truly recognizing this pattern.
In 5 days I've gained almost 5 pounds. And it started when I hit 290.5. Coincidence? Unlikely.
Admittedly, this week has been tough. Usually, I have a high tolerance for pain. However, my left arm has been really wearing me down. I haven't been sleeping well. I'm on new medication, which the doc told me could lead to some water weight gain. These are factors that are likely contributing to my gain.
But, truth time. I've found myself grazing like I haven't in a while. Mostly carbs. And that tells me I'm eating for comfort. That and the fact I can't seem to quiet the hungry feeling. That's a sure sign it's an emotional hunger, not a physical one.
Some habits are hard to break, even after 4 years.
Now that I've recognized the pattern, I'm trying to unpack the WHYs of it. I think there's a few reasons:

• Each new decade means I'm one step closer to my goal. Awesome? Yes! But that also means my calories will continue to go down. That triggers fear and doubt. Can I keep making the adjustments necessary as my body changes? Can I continue to step out of my comfort zone with my food, my exercise--myself?
• The 280s decade is my low weight point during this journey. There's a lot of significance there--even if it's only in my mind. 
• Beyond the 280s, I feel like things will be "different". How? I'm not sure. Again, it's been a long time since I've past that decade and fear of the unknown can be a powerful thing.

But, in talking with one of my best friends, she reminded me that the changes that are happening are slow. It's just my brain that is running ahead on the path. Again, what else is new?
The broken soundtrack that I keep hearing is: The changes I need to make will be too much, too soon. I can't handle it.
The new soundtrack I need to create is: Make the small changes when the time comes and you won't even notice them.
If you haven't heard of the soundtracks concept, then check out author Jon Acuff's newest book, "Soundtracks." It comes out tomorrow and focuses on these repetitive thoughts (soundtracks) that play over and over in our heads. And, he gives some great ways to change the tune.
I'll be giving away a copy to one lucky winner from our April Challenge group. Haven't signed up yet? It's not too late! 
So, what's next? For three days, I've tried to eat at maintenance calories and have not been successful. My normal habit is to eat at deficit, so that's what I'm gong to focus on the next few days. Not eat below my deficit number--try to hit as close to it as I can without going over. It's gong to take me at least a couple of weeks, I'm sure to get back down to that 290 number. I'll have some practice at changing my mindset over how I feel about what comes once I cross into the 289 realm and beyond. 
And, of course, focus on my other habits: water, sleep, tracking, exercise. They're all connected!
Lastly, I don't plan to run away from the feelings of doubt. Maybe for the first time, I'm starting to get how the doubt may be a signal that better things are on the horizon, if I lean into it and not retreat. 

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