My last first day

That's me on July 7, 2017.

That was my last first day of trying to lose weight.  

Oh, there had been many other first days before. Too many to count. More than 30 years of them. 

​I wish I could say I had one of those moments. You know, the ones you read about or hear about when the hero of the story hears trumpets playing or angels singing or whatever. 

The day before I went to my new doctor. Nothing extraordinary there. I already had a laundry list of issues I'd been dealing with for a while. High blood pressure. High cholesterol. Depression/Anxiety. Sleep Apnea. And, earlier in the year, my blood sugar tipped into the early stages of Type II Diabetes. And, medications for all of them. Except the apnea. I got a machine for that one.

Like I said, no angels singing for me.

Fortunately, I had started watching my diet a little bit after that first blood test. Enough that when I returned on July 7, my blood test was back in the high normal range. A glimmer of good news. 

But, an elephant remained in the room despite the progress. At 385 pounds, at least that's how I felt. Yeah, it's not nice to say it, but it's how I felt. 

After talking to the doctor, I sighed heavily and left and thought, "I'm done."

I'm done with feeling like the ugliest person in any room.

I'm done with being tired even though I'm not doing anything.

I'm done with being ashamed.

I'm done with feeling trapped.

I'm done with feeling like a pharmacist in my own home.

I'm just done.

I signed up for Weight Watchers that night. I had done the program before, starting before my wedding more than 20 years ago. The plan works. I failed working the plan—multiple times. You could call me Duncan for the number of times I've yo-yoed up and down the scale.

So, on Friday, July 7, I made a commitment not to "do Weight Watchers". Instead, I decided to look at it as my last first day of trying to lose weight. This wasn't about following a program until I finished it.

In fact, I'm starting to realize something after 60 days: there is no finished for me. At least, not until my body literally quits on me (which I admit I'm sort of surprised it hasn't told me to fuck off already.) Losing weight is only part of what I'm working at now. What I need to do for the rest of my life is live healthier.

Eating less is part of that. Moving more also figures into the equation. The real deal about those things? Neither of them sounded appealing to me when I began two months ago. Ok, the truth. Neither of them sound great now either. In fact, it kinda sucks.

But the alternative sucks even more.

So, here I am, two months from my last first day. I have experienced some success and had more struggles than I wanted or needed. As of now, I've set a long term goal of losing 200 lbs. 

Shit, there is nothing good about that number. I sorta feel like it's the same thing as me saying, "I'm going to climb Mt. Everest or run the NY Marathon." 

I don't see myself ever doing any mountain climbing or running marathons. But, somewhere buried beneath the fat and the shame and the times of hopelessness, I can hear a faint whisper urging, "Take the 200 a little at time. You can do it."

So, my journey will be a long string of baby steps of small goals leading to the bigger life I have been living only in my imagination so far.

These posts will help me document this journey. I am a writer, after all. Why would I want to post pictures and write about all of this crap? Because I don't want to forget where I started my new life. I need to remember when it was and why it was. I need the reality of then and now. When I cross the 200 lb. finish line I'm sure I'll want to put today's me away never to be seen again or heard from again.

But, in reality, today's me will still be there. Just smaller on the outside. If I can't live with her now, it won't be any easier or better later on. And, really, I'm not sure I can make it without her. Not accepting her sort of got me where I am now anyway.

Yeah, that's some deep shit, I know.

So, my first baby step is done. Start documenting my journey. I'm one step closer to my goals.

Starting weight: 385
Current weight: 368.8

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