Tomorrow is my first day as a member of the No Boundaries Beginner Running Club. At 7:30 a.m., I will meet a bunch of new people who all want to run better and have fitness goals.
Am I excited? Hell, yes. But, whoa boy, the jitters have been quickly building. I may have more than a dozen races under my belt, but that doesn't stop me from having so many insecurities.
As I talked with my long-distance training coach (literally, in that he lives on the other side of the country from me), I dropped some confessions on him today about my growing anxiety:
I'm probably going to be the biggest person who shows up.
I will also probably be one of the slowest.
I never run with people.
Here was the one that shocked me the most:
Running fast scares me. I know I can't sustain it; it makes me feel like I'm in not control; it reminds me of my limitations which piss me off so much. I'm sure that's why I avoid it.
You see, the body in my brain and reality don't always line up. I feel so much better than I did more than 90 pounds ago. My cardio endurance has improved tremendously and I honesty believe I'm in the better shape than I was 20 years ago (even though I still weigh more than I did back then.)
But, I still weigh about 290 pounds. Moving that type of weight quickly isn't easy and it sure as hell ain't quick. So, when I try to run fast, I feel like I'm being yanked by my neck; a bitter reminder that I'm not as good as I feel I am.
As a result, I've focused on slower and longer runs. I was afraid that just doing 13.1 miles would be impossible. Now that I feel I can probably do that and not drop of a heart attack, the fear of time limitations is smacking me upside the head and in my gut.
I have 3 hours and 30 minutes to complete the Disney Princess Half Marathon in February. Right now, based on my times, I'm going to be swept. I don't want that to happen. It's not the end of the world, but it bothers me and I'd be lying if I said it didn't.
When I started training for my first 5K, I felt much the same way. Vulnerable. Unsure. Anxious. Just getting started was a huge step outside of my comfort zone.
Joining this running group and allowing others to see that vulnerability probably scares me most of all.
And my logical brain tells me that's probably a big reason why I need to do it.
I'm starting this post at the end of the story, because that's the image that sticks in my mind the most from the Indy Ultimate weekend.
When I crossed the finish line after the 5-mile+ race (I think it's actually a 10K, but whatever), I actually felt like I had some energy to spare. Considering we were under a red flag warning for heat and humidity for the race, that was a major win! That mister felt like a million bucks, though, as you can see from the picture!
But the Indy Ultimate isn't just about crossing the finish line. It was about meeting up with friends who have been a vital part of my health journey for the past 18 or so months. I met them all thanks to a man named Mike Daggett and his website FatDag.com. He just retired from the Air Force and its his mission to share his weight loss journey to help others live their lives to their fullest potential. He came down to Disney to run the Princess 5K with me just because he wanted to be there to witness me cross off an item on my bucket list. He's a special guy and keeps me going on the days I just want to say screw it all.
Thanks to Mike, I've made some incredible friends through his Facebook community. I was so grateful to have the chance to catch up with them when we gathered in Indy!
But the best part was my husband, Jon, not only tagging along on the trip, but also getting in on the race! The poor guy hadn't trained and it was a hell of an event to just jump into at the last minute, but he did so well! To say I'm proud of him is an understatement. I'm not sure he's caught the running bug; I may have to wait an ask him after the soreness goes away. :)
The Indy Ultimate also isn't an ordinary road race. You get to see downtown Indianapolis in some unique ways. Along the race route, you move through various venues (parks, theaters, sports venues, the canal) to participate in challenges like paddle boating, spear tossing, kicking a field goal in Lucas Oil Stadium, and much more! I loved seeing the city like this, but have to admit when I saw Monument Circle ahead of me for the last segment of the race. I had to stop and get a picture!
I'll be posting more pics on social media over the next few days---when FB and IG start behaving again! Keep an eye out! :)
Next race is July 28--the Little Miami 10K! Bring it on!
IFirst, let me say thanks to all of you who reached out to me after my last post. Sometimes you just gotta dump the negativity out into the world to get rid of it. Your messages to me on social media were exactly the boost I needed. I couldn't do this without you.
Thursday's WI had me down 1.8 pounds! I was pleased with the result after a full week of staying focused and accountable. I won't lie. I was a little disappointed it wasn't more. But, I stopped and thought how I would respond if a friend told me that news. I certainly wouldn't say, "Gee, that's good, but could be better." UGH. Why do we do this to ourselves?? I'm really working at trying to ditch that bad habit.
Did you catch on my social media accounts that I'm taking a No Diet Pop Challenge?
As of this post, I'm 10 days in and doing fine! I really thought I'd struggle with caffeine withdrawal and get the classic headache, fatigue, etc. Color me surprised! Nothing like that so far (knock on wood!) The hardest part of the whole thing is when we go out to eat, I have to catch myself from ordering a Coke Zero. It's almost like it just wants to jump out of my mouth.
If anyone wants to join me in ditching the diet pop, reach out! I'd love to be a support for you! It's never easy kicking a habit, especially one I've had for so many years. Leave a comment below or drop me at email at email@example.com!
I'm on my way back to Ohio from Walt Disney World--will share more details on what I was doing for work down there and some interest health/food related stories tied to WDW after I get home and settled.
As for how i did with my eating plan, well...I cannot say I was an angel. But, if I'm living a heathy life, it's not always going to work that way. I can't be perfect. These two days were very important for me and I attended a number of business lunches and dinners. It was difficult to track it all. I could have tried harder in that area, but I did not.
That being said, I was much more mindful of the choices I was making. Portion sizes were reasonable. I tried many new dishes (for me), including vegetarian and vegan options. Trust me when I say this is a stretch for my limited taste buds. And, 95% of the options were delicious! But, more on that to come!
I'm already back to full tracking and planning for the upcoming week. This is my life now: One or two days of iffy eating doesn't mean my week, or month, or year is shot. Just right back to it like nothing happened.
And here is one I made today, almost one year later:
This is not where I wanted to be at this point of the journey. I've been feeling a lot of "Woulda, coulda, shoulda" moments lately.
The problem is I can't put my finger on what has gotten in my way, other than myself.
A year stuck within the same 5 pounds, like riding a bungee cord, should have an explanation. Something is standing in the way of me staying focused for more than a few days at a time.
The reasons for the stall are pretty simple. Weight loss is primarily about calories in vs calories out. I'm taking too many calories in vs. how many calories I burn. I have been consistently tracking again for almost 3 weeks now, including the over calorie days. The numbers don't lie.
But, getting to the core reason behind my choice to go over on calories, even though I know I shouldn't, will be the key to getting me over this mountain.
You can see the frustration on my face. I KNOW what I want. I know WHY I want it. I need to make the choice to want it badly enough.
The good news in all of this is that I haven't totally given up. I have essentially maintained a 90+ lb. weight loss for a year. I've never done that before--EVER. That gives me hope.
Today, I weighed in at 293.4--up 2.8 pounds from last week.
So, I dust myself off, look in the mirror, ask myself what I'm going to do to get where I want to go. Yeah, I'll beat myself up a little. But, not for long. I have too much work to do.
I don't know where I'll be in a year. I refuse to make promises that I'm uncertain I can keep. But, I know I will work to continue to build and improve my habits and life to keep moving forward, no matter how small the distance I cover.
Life won't stop for your pauses and procrastinations. It won't stop for your confusion or fear. It will continue right along without you whether you play an active part or not. The show will go on — Gary John Bishop
A few days ago, I started reading a book by Gary John Bishop called "UnFu*k Yourself: Get Out of Your Head and Into Your Life." To say that I've been stuck is an understatement. I'm not going to throw out a ton of excuses.
What matters is this: I have bounced around with the same 10 pounds for more than six months now. I'm tired of it.
One of the first things Bishop talks about in the book is willingness. It has stuck in my head since I read it and I've actually gone back a few times to the chapter because I feel like it is a core element to my success.
So, I asked myself, what exactly am I willing to do? What am I unwilling to do? I spent some time jotting down some thoughts and I wanted to share them.
I am willing to...
Bishop also talks about the importance of owning what we're not willing to do to meet our goals. I never thought about it that way, but I gave it a shot.
I am unwilling to...
After I wrote down these things, I felt at ease and in control for the first time in a while. Now that I know what I'm willing to do and not willing to do, I have a clearer sense of what needs to get done. I'm not going to have all the answers and I'm going to try to embrace uncertainty as I move forward.
What are you willing to do for yourself to meet your goals? What are you unwilling to do? The answers might surprise you!
I'm Marie. I'm working toward a 200 lb. weight loss goal. I'm doing it with baby steps. Follow my journey here.
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